Your one-stop, comprehensive guide on existential crises and how to have one effectively. With easy instructions and detailed descriptions to ensure just the right amount of angst.
Before you begin, it is important that you set the mood for a complete experience. Make sure that it is past 1 a.m. and that you have at least three research papers to complete in the next week, preferably 3,000 words each. You should have spent 2-6 hours procrastinating, on various social networking websites, prior your existential crisis. It is best to have an existential crisis when you are extremely exhausted and are alone. Please keep tissues close by and make sure there are no bright lights on in your surroundings. It is preferable if you are wearing sweatpants and have not showered for at least two days. In case you feel faintish it is recommended that you keep a large jar of Nutella along with a large spoon on your side table, with a bottle of water. Once you have made yourself comfortable you may begin. If you have any problems contact 1-800-What-Even.
You may begin by responding to the following questions and statements, and following the instructions given below.
- Who am I?
- What am I doing with my life?
- Why does everyone suck so much?
- I hate humans.
By this time you should start feeling slight discomfort. Do not try to distract yourself from this pain, it is only the beginning.
- What is the purpose of life?
- Why do I have to do everything just to make money?
- Commercialism BLAH. I WANT TO DO WHAT I LOVE BECAUSE I LOVE IT.
- Do I hate what I am doing?
- But I actually love what I am doing?
- Why am I so lazy?
- What is the point of all this?
- Is there even a point to all this?
- What even?
- I don’t even know.
- Am I the only one who feels this way?
- Why does no one love me?
- But maybe they do love me.
- Am I a bad person?
- What is bad?
- What is good?
By now you may be pulling your hair out. You may start consuming the Nutella that you have brought for yourself.
- I will never do anything substantial with my life.
- I will amount to nothing.
- I am just a fat blob who eats a lot of Nutella. Nutella is all I have left.
Continue eating the Nutella, you need it. You may put on some music to help you, if you are feeling particularly despondent you should play music accordingly, similarly if you are feeling anger, metal or rock would be the best choice. Choose what will help
intensifying the feelings.
- Will I ever get the answers to these questions?
- Does anyone know the answers to these questions?
- I wonder if the Internet can help.
You can at this point use the Internet to help you get questions, but you may find that the Internet is a disappointment and it will only provoke you into falling deeper into the pit of despair.
- I HATE EVERYTHING.
Eat more Nutella; continue eating until the jar is over. At this point your stomach and head may both start hurting. Your eyes will be itchy and red. Your nose may start dripping.
- I am so tired of everything.
- I am so disgusting.
- I wish it would just all go away.
- Why do I even exist?
For best results repeat every few weeks, or every few days.
Disclaimer: You may never get any of the answers and at times it is better to watch a film, read a book or just talk to your friends.
[This is just for fun, I don’t want to offend neither am I trying to be disrespectful, I have gone through this myself so many times. I felt like I finally just had to make fun of myself and had to let off some steam. If you like it and want to read more of my writing, which is not nearly as funny but almost as angsty you can check out my blog,
Peace out ya’ll]